The Royal Wedding is almost upon us and Kate Middleton will soon be exchanging her surname for ‘Windsor’ or Mr and Mrs Prince William. Whether you’re a staunch royalist or find the whole things a waste of time, there’s one thing you won’t be able to avoid. Well, two things actually if you count people’s opinions on the subject.
The second unavoidable occurrence of this wedding is the HUGE amount of tat that will be sold in conjunction, with everyone eager to make sure they have got their eBay fill worth of products. Coaster, tea towels, all the usual tat will be rolled out, but amongst those spectacularly undesirable pieces of merchandise (Kate and William coaster anyone?) is the truly overwhelming in terms of relevance to the subject matter. You can’t blame companies for wanting to get some of the moolah that will be floating around, but these Royal Wedding tie ins are truly embarrassing.
This is a book about a fairy called Kate, who is a royal wedding fairy was created by Daisy Meadows. It’s the latest in the line of Fairy books she has written, but though the words ‘sell out;’ are never mentioned, this particular fairy isn’t quite the same as ‘Emma the Easter fairy’ or her ‘Florence the Friendship fairy’ books.
The story descriptions is as follows: ‘Kate the Royal Wedding Fairy makes sure that all weddings are happy and magical! But when mean Jack Frost steals the True Love Crown, the Fairyland royal wedding is sure to be a disaster. Can Kirsty and Rachel find the crown so the royal couple will live happily ever after…? I wonder what the name of the Royal Prince is?
Castle Rock Brewery have created a limited edition Royal Wedding beer called ‘Kiss me Kate. I actually find this idea rather cute, as we Brits do love our booze, I just find the pink label and hearts decorating it a little sickly. It will be available on draught and from Morrisons stores during April. The head brewer says, ‘Kiss Me Kate will be elegant, tasteful and British to the core. It’ll be brewed to 5%, pale in colour and, we’re sure it’ll be the ideal way to toast the couple’s future happiness’. Not that Ms Middleton would ever drink beer though, I reckon she’s a white wine spritzer kind of girl. Find out more from Castle Rock Brewery here.
Crown Jewels Condoms
There’s very little I can say here without descending into crudeness, so I’ll let the product speak for itself. This is what they say;
‘To celebrate the engagement of Prince William of Wales to Ms. Catherine Elizabeth Middleton, Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction has commissioned a unique heritage edition Royal Wedding Souvenir boîte de capotes. Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure. Truly a King amongst Condoms. Lie Back and think of England’.
Nice, very tasteful.
What’s even worse is that they then go on to say, ‘Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.‘ Eh? So, you’re spending cash on condoms that DON’T WORK????
There are two things wrong with the above product. Firstly, a nail varnish? To celebrate that Kate is no longer a single on the shelf girl. Nice. Very classy Butter London. I know you’re all about tongue in cheek names, but still, ‘No more Waity Katie implies a woman is just sitting around desperate for that ring, otherwise all is in peril. What a great way to live. Thanks for making us all feel like without a man we’re completely wasted and useless as a person.
Next, look at the colours, It’s a pretty mauve-y lilac. When has Kate Middleton EVER worn anything in that colour., We’re thinking a more appropriate shade would be navy, taupe, anything neutral-y and inoffensive. They call it a ‘greige shade’ which a) is a made up word, and no amount of pretending it is will get it into the dictionary and 2) It’s clearly not a greige shade as it’s a bleeding purple. Honestly. £12 here
Royal Wedding Nail Decals
Want to celebrate the Royal Wedding and prive just how much of a fan you are? Well, Royal Wedding Decals will be what you want- images of the happy couple on your fingertips (with Kate’s face scratched out, possibly?) You can get these disturbing nail stickers at ‘Westminster souvenir shops in London’ , if you really want to…[source]
Royal Wedding Sick Bags
Lydia Leith has a tongue in cheek way of cekebrating the Royal Wedding, by letting anti-roallists have something to vom into. The sick bags are all hand screen printed, which seems like a LOT of effort for a one use only purchase, so maybe those who buy them ‘ironically’ are actually planning on framing them? Hmm. She’s on her second print run already, so it looks like the joke is on the public as she’s making a nice profit with her ‘ironic’ bags.
Us Brits are known for our love of a good cuppa, so why not have a beverage, Royal wedding style with the Prince Wills and Kate tea bags? Called KaTEA and William, you get 2 black tea bags with the couple on them, with their arms outstrectched (to rest nicely over the side of the cup). They’re actually kinda cite to look at- you could watch the procession on TV whilst you sip from your KaTEA tasting cup.. maybe.
Prince William and Kate Middleton wood doll cake toppers
Uh, really? I get thw whole ‘let’s sell people a bunch of stuff with the couple’s face on it or the date written on it (OK, I kinda get it) but simply renaming a product to bear their name in the title description does in no way a tat souveneir make. These are two cake toppers made from wooden dolls that are $20 for a set! $20 freaking dollars for two tiny lumps of wood that DON’T LOOK like the couple. The only resemblance is that the girl doll is wearing blue. C’mon, have some self respect- do you really think ANYONE will buy this from you, dear Etsy seller, or will they see this as the ploy for money it is and blacklist you off their favourites forever?
Knit your own Royal Wedding Book: Help William And Kate Tie The Knit
Are you crafty? Love the monarchy? This book will be your dream gift then as it teaches you how to KNIT your own Royal Wedding, All characters are included, from the bride and groom to the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, Camilla (should be a fun one to do) and Prince Harry. Every little details has been included as you’ll be knitting Kate’s diamond and sapphire engagement ring in wool! I love that they’ve included a pattern to let you ‘knit your own corgi’. Get it for £9.99 here.
The Royal Wedding Fridge Freezer (beacuse love can be from 0- -10 degrees)
When I think Royal wedding, I think sexy Princelings, lords and ladies, a plethora of big hats and champagne flutes.. not fridge freezers. Clearly I’m in the minority as GE have created a 5’9 fridge freezer with the happy couple plastered over it. OK, the product already existed and they’re just cashing in, but it’s odd nonetheless. Would you want a Wills and Kate fridge in your house? The full name is the GE GIU21XGYFKB, and you can customize the compartments, so Kate’s side could be icy, while Will’s door could hold all the veg. Sure, it’s just a PR stunt, but it still leaves me gobsmacked. I’d love to interview someone who actually goes and orders this… Price TBC, but a non branded one starts at around £2154 to give you a rough idea.
The Royal Wedding Limited Edition Oyster Card
Should you be in London on the day of the nuptials and feel like trying to see it, Transport for London have designed a limited edition card to let you go see the crowds in style (their words, not mine). No longer should train and bus users suffer the indignity of a blue Oyster card (the name of the card used for transport in London) now you can have one that features the couple, so you can proclaim your monarchist penchant to the world. There will be approx 750,000 of the cards, the first time EVER that different cards have been available, so it may also see the start of a new collaborative trend. They won’t cost any more than the regular Oyster card, so for a £5 deposit and £5 top up fee you can enjoy some Royal Wedding fandom. I find it shameful that the government endorse this level of hype for an event the majority of people won’t see- it’s only a wedding folks, have some perspective.
LOVE THIS? Check out: