Weightloss products come in many weird and wonderful forms, but the latest inventions to hit the market takes the cake- literally, in some cases. They have to be seen to be believed, so enjoy the surreal thoughts that went into the creation of these unusual weightloss aids.
HapiLabs Weightloss Electronic HAPIfork
We all know that eating too fast isn’t ideal- think trapped wind, bulging waistbands and yogurt on your top (OK, that last one might be just me). Ideally we’d all slow down a little and chew our food properly.. or we could just invest in the brand new electronic HAPIfork to help us do this. The HAPIfork is designed to monitor your eating habits and its LED lights will glow if it thinks you’re eating too fast.
Details on your fork to mouth intake will stream via Bluetooth to the related app (or you can upload via USB) so you can be fully shamed when going onto your dashboard and seeing how quickly that Ben and Jerry’s got demolished. The HAPIfork (which can also be a HAPIspoon with the forthcoming adapter) measures fork mouthfuls per minute, intervals between servings and length of meal, and the plan is that you’ll eat more slowly, and that your whole life will be generally more HAPI. Sorry, that was too much of an easy pun. On the other hand, you could just work out, eat less, and save the fork money for a personal trainer. Up to you…
The Reverse Feeding Tube : AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System
Think of it as bulimia IN REVERSE and you’ll start to see why this is mind boggling. Created by the guy who invented the Segway- yes I don’t get the connection either- the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System is a feeding tube in reverse.
Basically, the idea is that you scoff that McDonald’s SuperSize and wash it down with a large milkshake then use the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System to extract 30% of the food you’ve just chowed down on. The process isn’t particularly fun or dignified as it involves creating a small hole- or ‘port’ in your stomach where you can attach a pump to and then pump out the food you’ve just eaten. To start the process, a small tube is inserted into your tum, and 20 minutes after you’ve eaten you thread this tube through the SkinPort valve (also known as hole in your stomach) and remove the food into the toilet bowl.
Placing the tube in the stomach is done as an outpatient procedure and it will leave a very small mark once it’s permanently removed. Clinical trial showed that over a year patients lost on average 20kgs and the fact that it’s a non permanent option- unlike some gastric bypass procedures- is attractive. They also won’t give this to anyone- you do need a BMI of between 35-49 to qualify and it could really help some people. No question that it’s yucky though- imagine if you had to eyeball a colonic every-time you went to the bathroom- the masticated food passing out is bound to restrict you on what you eat! Dehydration and vitamin loss can be issues and some things like cauliflower and pretzels don’t ‘pass’ well. Still want to try it? Ummm.
Some products deal with how to get rid of weight you’ve gained, others on how to stop weight gain, and the DietTube tries to do both by a tiny little nasogastric tube that will make people give up their seats for you on the bus. The DietTube was created by Gianfranco Cappello, associate professor of general surgery at the University of Rome’s La Sapienza Hospital as a way to help people slim down quickly.
The 2mm thick nasogastric tube is inserted into the nostril, and a solution of amino acids, vitamins and minerals is fed to you for 10-12 days. What you consume is a custom made Ketogenic Enteral Nutrition diet, full of proteins to help you metabolize fat.
On removal of the DietTube it’s suggested you follow a lowcal diet to reap further benefits and reintroduce solids to your system. They estimate that you will lose 7-10% of your body weight during the DietTube treatment, and say you will lose fat and retain muscle mass because of their ‘unique mechanism of lipolysis’. You’re not supposed to feel hungry as they say that the protein the pump feeds you ‘produces an excess of substances in our blood, called ketones, which, in addition to inhibiting any sense of hunger, generate a sense of well being’.
One end of the tube goes into your nostril and is fed into your stomach. It is then taped behind your ear to keep it in place and a ring of silicone attaches it to the DietTube bag of fluid- your only food for the next 10 days. A peristaltic pump slowly filters it into your system and the bag/pump can be carried around in a purse- or manbag, equal opportunities here- and should only be detached when sleeping or showering.
Would you place your DietTube bag in these babies?
There are a few rules to follow, namely that no food at all is to be consumed other than what the DietTube pumps into your nose, though you can have 2 litres of water a day, as well as tea and coffee (but no sugar or sweetener). Side effects can be sever constipation (you’re not having any fibre), dizziness, dry mouth and excessive perspiration.
In terms of pricing, In February 2012 I was quoted 1200 Euros for treatment, with a 500 Euro deposit for the pump. Extra costs are blood tests and an ECG to check you are a suitable fit, and can be done by the clinic or your own provider. Prada Bag to carry pump is sadly not included.
The Chugay Tongue Patch – Tongue Implant to limit food intake
The Tongue Patch is NOT a new way to lose weight, as it has been in existence since 2009. However, as it’s such an odd option, I though I’d include it as background reference to the many ways people try and cut corners when dieting. As far as I can tell, this procedure is still available, so it clearly has a market. Dr. Nikolas Chugay, a plastic surgeon from California created the Tongue Patch as a novel way to shed pounds.
Novel, as it makes eating fairly excruciating and makes it likely you’ll lose weight as you won’t want to eat food. The Tongue Patch is surgically fitted onto the tongue with approximately four stitches. The patch is made of a prolene mesh and is around the size of a postage stamp. It makes chewing food very difficult/painful, so a liquid diet is recommended and this is provided by Chugay’s office as part of the package. Ome the desired weight as been lost/ the patient can’t hack it anymore, the patch is removed and they are free to go on with their lives.
Side effects may be tongue swelling, and jeering by friends and family. Pricewise, it is waaay cheaper than a gastric bad operation at around $2000 (price may have changed since 2009 though). I could see how this might benefit some, but this seems the equivalent of wiring your mouth shut to lose weight- just not a good idea for sustainable long term weightloss.
So here you have it- some weird and wonderful ways to lose weight in 2013. Maybe that crowded gym isn’t looking quite so bad anymore…